So how do you know you are in a relationship with a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath? Here are 10 examples of abusive behavior that should make you aware that what is going on in your relationship just isn’t “normal” and yes, is Narcissistic ABUSE.
A Relationship With A Narcissist
- Love Bombing
Did the flea tell you that you were “the one” way too fast? Like, the first date, after a few days, a week, a month? Did s/he tell you everything you wanted to hear? Did s/he chase you around like a flea in hot pursuit of a host without even knowing very much about you? Does s/he seem too good to be true?
- Isolation and Dependency
Have you stopped seeing family and friends to meet your partner’s needs? When your brother or sister wants to hang out, does the flea tell you that you need to spend time with them, and not your family? Do they tell you to go out with your friends and then suddenly require you to change your plans? Do they tell you that you aren’t good at making friends or don’t have any friend? Do they tell you your family isn’t close to you or doesn’t like you and/or belittle your family.
- Financial Control
Is s/he refusing to let you attend meetings with accountants and lawyers that are managing your accounts? Alternatively do they tell you in the nicest of ways that you don’t understand money so they will handle it? Do you have access to your money? Do they refuse to let you work, or sabotage your current job? Do they only “dole out” a certain amount of money to you each week, like you’re a child who only gets an allowance? Are they dealing in cash (buying and selling items, doing work for cash) and keeping it for themselves? Do they fly into a rage when you ask about your finances?
- Crazy Making
Are they making nonsensical excuses for their covert actions such as being unavailable for long periods of time, and then blaming you for being too nosy and/or insecure if you probe them for answers?
- Lack of Boundaries
Are they constantly moving boundaries to suit their needs? For example, are they flirtatious with your close friends, but if you so much as look at someone of the opposite sex they fly into a rage. Do they get upset if you’re in a meeting or out with a friend and you can’t respond to their call right away, but expect an immediate reply from you? Do they call you twenty times a day, or even more?
- Lack of Empathy
Are they unable to empathize and/or do they invalidate your feelings? For example if you let them know something is hurtful to you, do they fly into a rage, change the subject, twist the story, or tell you that you are too sensitive. Are they unable to accept responsibility for their actions and switching blame back to you or tell you you are crazy for feeling or thinking a certain way? Alternatively do they tell you they would meet that need, only if you could do X, Y and Z that is an impossible criteria to meet? Do they use information about your needs against you and do exactly the complete opposite of what you requested?
- Physical Violence and/or Threats and Intimidation
Does your flea attack you physically such as punching and kicking you? Alternatively do they intimidate you by holding their fist in your face, towering over you or pinning you down? Some fleas are smart and won’t want to leave a physical mark on you so they resort these intimidation tactics instead. Other fleas will engage in physical attacks knowing you won’t report them or file charges.
- Intuition – Your Body Feels Sick
Unlike the flea, your body DOES NOT lie. Is there a sick feeling in your heart that is telling you something is very wrong? This is your intuition talking to you. Do you feel over- whelmed with anxiety most of the time? Do you feel fear when you are with your significant other on a regular basis?
These warning signs your body is giving you are also giant red flags. It may seem unusual to you at the moment, but you should not feel sick, fearful and anxious with your significant other! Quite the opposite. You should feel healthy, safe and very well supported.
These are all typical behaviors of an abuser, covert aggressor, narcissist, psychopath, sociopath–or, as I term it, a flea.
What you can expect from a Relationship with A Narcissist
Now that we’ve identified some GIANT red flags, it’s time to “boil down” what you can expect from allowing your relationship with your flea to continue.
That amazing person your flea pretends to be at the beginning of your relationship–when they shower you with manufactured attention and promises of unrequited false love doesn’t exist. This ‘love-bombing’ is what they use to lure in their prey.
Words matter and the flea will drip-feed you with words of toxic negativity to break you down, isolate you from your friends and family, and control you financially. Slowly, over time, you will have little idea of the amazing person you once were. You will also begin to feel the effects physically. Your brain and body and soul will become sick.
They are the smallest of the small. Everything they do is driven by their need to fulfill a giant hole that exists within themselves. They fill this hole with blood–your blood. All they care about is what they need. 51
They addict you to them through the abuse cycle (I love you,I hate you, I love you; Chapter 4). You actually become physically addicted to them. The addiction is one of the reasons why it’s so hard to leave them.
Those moments of “nice” that you use to defend them and hold on to as a reason for you to stay are self-serving–serving their need for their narcissistic supply.
They take pleasure in your pain. When you are breaking down, your flea is feeling “flow”–s/he’s getting extreme pleasure from your extreme pain. Normally this would be the kind of flow you feel when you are riding horses, playing golf, or doing the things that you love most.
Their core desire is to WIN power and control (and in doing so, obtain more narcissistic supply), and ensure that you lose: lose yourself, lose your money, lose your children, lose your integrity, etc. You name it, they want it. They win, and you lose.
They feel envy, jealously, rage. They do NOT feel empathy, love or any of the positive emotions that you feel. They will do ANYTHING to you to protect their narcissistic supply, and they do so without remorse.
And very importantly: You can’t fix them.
They will never be the life partner you desire or deserve.
THEY AREN’T WHO YOU THINK THEY ARE.